Sometimes I can’t keep up with my own thoughts. They’re running fast in exclamation point asking to be heard. About those things I said a couple days ago. About things I should’ve done but didn’t. About my clothes. My appearance. My words. What!
Why, why is it so hard to be certain? Why do I have doubts and insecurities, and fragility, and delicacy? Why do I still questioning every friendship and relationship I have with people? Why do I feel pretentious, hiding my true story, afraid people might get hurt?
What people? My mom? My friends? Acquaintance I met several weeks ago? Why do I care so much about what people think?
It makes me weak, anxious, and overwhelming. But also considerate, sensitive, and understanding.
And then I have this feeling to run away and disappear from everyone. Change my identity and move to a place near water so I could drown my head in it then scream so loud until I only hear silence. I might get hurt in action, but it’s better than living without meaning.
And sometimes words become unscrambled letters, scattering, and jumping around, echoing their hurt. this is me asking. this is me trying.
The letter ‘A’ viciously stabs my inner peace with its sharp. ‘O’ casually bumps into every minor inconvenience. ‘T’ stings like a bee. ‘J’ is landing and scratching the ground, while ‘M’ loves to manipulate and put ‘Y’ in misery.
I also have intuitions. Though I often ignore it, I can’t put it aside. It’s part of me, part of my decision-making. There are good and bad senses, bitter and adequate moments. It is not always easy for a logical person to put feelings into thinking, but I tried my best to be a better person. A better friend. A better daughter.
By living with noisy mind, I learned to think before speak. Write before overthink. Saved me from a lot of embarrassments.
Well I guess having thoughts is not the worst thing. It’s balancing negative and positive energy, to make life worth living. Everything happens for a reason. I happen for a reason.
-kar, 6/4 2024 (have a good weekend, see you when my mind’s a bit clearer)
